Fade, fade into the darkness.

to let go isnt to forget, not think about, or ignore.
it doesnt leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
letting go isnt winning and its isnt losing.
its not about pride and its nit about how you appear.and
its not observing or dwelling on the past.
letting go isnt blocking memories, hurt or sadnessits not giving in or giving up.
letting go isnt about loss. and its not defeat.
to let go is to cherish memories.
but to overcome and to move on.it is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
letting go is accepting.
it is learning and experiencing and growing.
to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laughmade you cry and made you grow.
its about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.
letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strentgh to keep moving.
letting go is growing up.
it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
to let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and to set yourself free


God knows how much i miss you, i miss your voice, your care, your TRUST, your TEARS, your texts, your calls, your GOOD MORNINGS. i miss your stares, i miss everything about you. i know acting cool is bullshit. but this is the only thing left for me to stay in touch with you. i can only love you just being your friend and it sucks having my words, my thoughts and my feelings unspoken.

I LOVE YOU if i could just tell you...



have you ever experienced that your are INVISIBLE??you are there but someone you least expected made you feel that your not part of the world.. ahhh.. i know...im not part of "that someones" world....i got it...okay....

i wish i have friends here with me.. physically and emotionally

i need higher dose of my drugs.. ive been maitaining my medicines but still i have my relapses.. it seems that medicine cant cure or prevent this.. transferring school perhaps..?! or im thinking about running away and never come back..

they say that running away or drinking liquor wont make any of these better. paglumayo ka at nagpakalasing its still the same.. yung problema mo problema parin.. but its the only option i have to escape this hellish pain... THE ONLY OPTION they prefer me to have IM GETTING TOO EMOTIONAL!! and i hate it!!!

im weak.. happy?? sige na please tama na... i cant endure these depression any longer.. HINDI KO NA KAYA KAYANIN ITO..

before its always easy to smile than to explain why... but now?? even smiling,, even a fake smile i no longer know how to... it pains me to smile, to laugh...

oh god.... im so depressed..im so sick... heal me fast.. heal me tonight....



everything flashed back yesterday when im on my way to our duty area from lunch suddenly his parents saw me, nilingunan pako.. do they know me? know me as his what?? kaybigan? past? do we have our past ba tlga? wait how will i end this if it never started?? f*ck so many questions lingers on my mind right now.. i became unsure of everything, everythings became unclear, i have this unwanted feelings... wait,no, not yesterday since late may pa.. i had my first relapse last june, when i talked about him with my friend.. everything,, lahat became fresh again, my scar has been scratch, i allow it to bleed.. again...

im sick of tired of the same old mind game, puzzle or whatever this is... whos waitng who?? do i have to wait in vain with faith?? sound like bull sobra.. was it his lies? are those lies? or maybe its me... maybe ako yung may kaslanan.. i would want to believe that..

FAITH?! i have this since you graduated,, this prevented me from falling with somebody else, somebody who is more you, less you, or just like you... but they have this common problem, they're not you.. kinikilig ako sa iba, nagkagusto ako sa iba, but then my faith and my love for you prevented me from falling in love..

my love is so damn deep, i could die if you say so.. but its meaningless now, its meaniless since then.. ive been hopeless romantic, living in your sweet lies,, leaving on your fucking promises.. alam ko masyado pa tayong bata noon,, not mature.. even the two of us dont know if that was love.. but i assured myself that that was love,, that this is love..., if this is not love why do it keeps me breathing?? why do it let my heart beat?

so many realization came on my mind since then,, i just have to get rid of this, lahat my katapusan even superheroes right??

fighting it wont make any difference from bailing it.. its the same.. wala akong makukuha.. its just have to be NOT you.. i have so much love to give but im not sure kung sayo ko pa yun mabibigay... give up man or fight for it pareho lang mangyayari..

when you and her broke up because of distance, i was shocked.. i know how much you love her, i can see that, everybody can justify that..specially your cousins.. but why do you let distance be in your way?? thats it? give up ka agad? i know i dont have the right to judge you love.. im not in any right and position to do so.. akala ko nagmahal ka.. everybody told me that you can give up everything just to be with her, even your music? even your dream to be a physician? everything.. pero bakit siya ang ginive up mo?? i was crashed when i heard that, ganun mo siya kamahal.. but why?... i guess ill let DESTINY explain why..

hindi sa umaasa ako.. pero panu pag tayo? then ill be in abroad working then you'll take your med school wuld distance make us possible? or just like your previous relationships it will just END up like this.. i dont want it to end, i want to grow old with you, take care of you and our family and your parents, i want our sons to play Golf with my Dad. i want our daugthesr to wear thier hijab as early as possible.. i want you to teach them music, teach them math.. everything that you are good of.. i want to make my special chicken adobo and serve it to you.. i want us to be forever.. that was my sweetest dream.. but it all vanished.. GONE...FOREVER
i have decided, ill end my love,, this is just hallucination... youll always be a part of me.. but my faith in my love,, or even my love.. its just have to GO.. ill take it like JOHN NASH way.. my hallucination of my love for you will always be there, pero hangang doon nalang yun.. deactive love... ill take my medicines to keep me away from my relapses..

i told myself na wala akong natutunan sa psychia rotation.. lahat ng crisis na encounter ko, emotional, financial sa PSA hehe, physical? and even spiritual. i had my deepst depression na at first di ko kinaya, sumuko ako, ayoko na, i had one day vaca at coatabato and i decided not to come back.. DAVAO city, everything here pains me.. hellish pain that can kill me., they told me that im not strong.. everyday i had my crying session thats how depress i am.. but here i am taking chances, figthing.. IM NOT WEAK....thanks to my real friends they made me realize my worth.. i learned, realize and became so happy in this rotation.. i know now how far can my love go, it can go as far as FOREVER but with whom? ewan... definetly not superman...


THIS S MY END..



nahuli ako ng move.. sorry,, pinalampas ko ba yung chance.?.. yung LAST chance?.. i tried na humabol yet wala na ata diba? sad... SORRY... i have too much to handle right now.. hhaayy.. mamiss kita.. weee

anyways if chance will come again.. so till next time.. weee.. haha...







summer is near end but feelings still lingers..

my summer had

too much affection
too much break ups
too much infidelities
too much problems

it seems like i learned a lot from love than from my Pharma..



and LOVE....

haay GROW UP!!!



I NEED SLEEP... A WEEK OR TWO TO CATCH UP SOME SLEEP..

where are you batman??
and superman........ haaayy panu ba to!



It was a happy birthday, until my sister went off with her friends in the beach. She got home at 2am, after asking what fun did she had, we went to His topic. Superman’s topic
He and she broke up. I was crashed. But I cant let my sister see how affected I am so I called pearly and talk things about her and Daniel ( I didn’t talk about him) after talking to her and done some stuff here I am… Crying. It’s not supposed to feel this way. He is supposed to be happy. Yun lang HAPPY. He got drunk at the beach and my sister labeled him as GAGO ULIT... ouch. Those words stroke my heart that I got regurgitation; a backflow of blood in my heart that anytime I could lie down and die. Yeah exaggerating but that’s exactly how it feels like.
Im so effin affected! Kakainis. I should not be feeling this way, I should not care. But that’s what fucking hurting me. I can’t be there to care for him. I can’t even text him. And say those gasgas lines like “hey r u ok? Don’t worry you’ll be fine, ill be here”. i know I can say more comforting words than that, I know I can comfort him… but chances wont permit me. I must not……

Dapat hindi ganito.
Dapat masaya lang siya. Yun lang please God make him Happy again
I don’t care if im not part of it just make him happy.
Oh my God tear drops… he’s the only one that can make me cry this way. I know damn ass hole. Hindi dapat ako apektado diba? I cant help it. I love him. I once said to him that he cant escape my love, well now im letting you escape from it but please be happy. Sumpa ba yun? Hindi naman ah…

I never thought that Im crying for the same reason again, I thought I already gave all my tears and never cry again... But Fuck! Im crying……. 10 minutes ago I talked to batman but it seems talking to him doesn’t make me feel any better, I appreciated his effort to cheer me up, he was convincing me to share my problem, I couldn’t, I don’t (ironically I am blogging)I don’t know!!! His power was weak… Maybe he helped coz I forgot what I feel for about 30 minutes. But then after I hung up the phone 3 minutes later my tear drops burst. Until now…. I don’t know what to do... im hopeless,, Im helpless, ILL DIE IF THIS WONT END.

Please God make things easy for Me., help me make him happy, no help him be happy. I wont go near him coz the pain would kill me. I’m the fattest dumb martyr in this world allowing myself to cry like this...

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